LIFE

10 tips for parents of children questioning their gender

Courtney Crowder, ccrowder@dmreg.com
Myra, 5, looks on as her brothers Brendan, 10, and Ryland, 9, jump on their father, Brian Kelting, on Saturday, May 28, 2016, during a gathering of the Little Rainbows support group at Raccoon River Park in West Des Moines.

When Lisa Kenney gets calls from parents whose children are questioning their gender, her opening line is almost always the same: "On its best day, parenting is a form of improvisation."

As executive director of Gender Spectrum — a California-based educational organization focused on gender and youth and founded in 2006 — Kenney regularly receives inquiries from mothers and fathers looking to help their gender-nonconforming children. Her advice, like her opening line, almost always starts with, "Everything will be OK."

"I tell them over and over again to breathe and that they did nothing wrong," said Kenney, who is a parent. "Yes, it is a reality that your child, if transgender, is extremely at-risk, and there is no magic pill to make this go away, but there are things you need to do right now, and letting your child experience your support is the first and most important."

MORE COVERAGE: Too young to be transgender? Gender-fluid kids share their stories

Here are a few more tips — collected from parents of transgender children, advocates, medical professionals and the American Psychiatric Association — for what parents can do when their child begins to ask questions about his or her gender.

Kelley Kelting hugs her son Ryland, 9, on Saturday, May 28, 2016, at the end of a gathering of the Little Rainbows support group at Raccoon River Park in West Des Moines. Kelting started the group as a way for families of transgender and gender fluid children to get together.

1. Love your children 

"Say you love them unconditionally. You love them as they are and recognize that, in almost every way, they are the same person they were yesterday."

— Lisa Kenney, California-based Gender Spectrum, a transgender youth advocacy group

2. Create a supportive family environment

"I made sure the atmosphere in our house was always that we love you no matter who you are or who you want to be."

— Amy Miles, Fort Dodge, parent of a transgender teenager 

3. Seek out treatment early

"There is no risk to talking with experts and getting information. The earlier you can do that, the better. And parents should familiarize themselves with the most recent information available on treatments and craft a solution that is best for them and their child."

— Dr. Jack Drescher, a New York-based psychiatrist and expert on gender and sexuality issues

4. Do your research on therapists and doctors

"There are a lot of therapists who are hanging out a shingle and saying they work with this population, but they really have no training or experience. Increasingly, there's a market for LGBTQ clients, and people want to serve the market, but it concerns me a lot that our youth and their families, who are frightened anyway, might not find practitioners who are trained to provide the right care."

— Lisa Kenney  

Jessica Brown, left, gets a hug from Kelley Kelting on Saturday, May 28, 2016, during a gathering of the Little Rainbows support group at Raccoon River Park in West Des Moines. The two mothers both have children that do not conform to their assigned gender.

5. Put on your legal hat

"As soon as you become aware of your transgender child, become aware of what your school's policies are, what your state's laws are and what the federal government protects. There are a lot of different rules and regulations out there, a lot, and to be the best advocate for your child, you need to understand them all."

— Susan Maasch, director of the Maine-based Trans Youth Equality Foundation and parent to a transgender teen

6. Talk to people you trust

"Just talking about your situation to someone understanding can reduce your stress and help you feel better. It can also help those close to you understand better and be prepared to provide the support you need, including knowing how to respond in specific situations."

— The American Psychiatric Association 

7. But don't feel like you have to tell everyone

"Deciding who to talk to is a personal decision — some people may be comfortable sharing with many people, others only a few close family members. Even when people are well-meaning, they may not react the way you hope, and not everyone will be understanding or open to discussion."

— The American Psychiatric Association 

8. Set boundaries for yourself

"Be clear about when you want advice and when you want someone to listen."

— The American Psychiatric Association 

RELATED: Out of the shadows: More Iowa kids embrace gender fluidity

9. Allow your child some independence

"Teens, especially, want their independence, and that's an important part of their development. On the other hand, there are unique aspects and safety issues that need to be taken into account (for transgender teens). Make sure the lines of communication are open between you and your child. Make sure that you are listening to them and not telling them what to do or preaching at them. Get a sense of their emotional temperature at any given moment and go from there."

— Lisa Kenney

10. Don't forget to take care of yourself

"You are going on a medical journey with your child, and that is hard. It's really hard. Find a support group for yourself, find time to relax. Being nervous or scared 24/7 isn't going to help your child as much as you being calm and ready when they need you."

— Susan Maasch

More resources

Have more questions? Check out the resources below:

Local organizations

National groups