My month-long experiment to make new mom-friends in Des Moines
I’ve been a mom for 3 1/2 years now. I am a work-from-home mom. I have friends from before I became a mom and they are also moms. But that doesn’t necessarily make them “mom friends.” Most of them work full time and I am looking for activities to do that are during the day.
According to Dr. Susan Stewart, Professor of Sociology at Iowa State University, social support of this type is important for adult well-being. Parenting groups “can be very positive in the sense that you can tell your stories and other moms will very likely relate. This can be important in affirming that you really are a “good mom.”
Lately, I have been curious about whether I could create a larger network of mom friends. So I decided to embark on a monthlong experiment to try to make more mom friends.
Let it be said: Making new friends is not something I love to do. I get nervous, I get tongue-tied. I don’t want to reach out first. But I’ve done it before and I figured I could do it again. Here’s how it went:
STEP 1: DO SOME RESEARCH: I started by looking for meet-up groups on meetup.com and searched for local activities in surrounding communities. I found a group called “Des Moines Stay At Home Moms” and requested to join the group. I joined a page on Facebook that was started by the Des Moines Mom’s Blog. I found a new program to try at the Urbandale Library, and I researched “Tot Lot” in Waukee.
STEP 2: PICK AN EVENT -- AND ACTUALLY GO: First up, Science Sleuths at the Urbandale Library. This is maybe a stretch, but for me it was a good entry into new things. It was at a place where my kids and I were already comfortable. It was a great program for kids ages 3-6. It was less of an opportunity to talk to other moms and more of a learning opportunity for the kids. I did say hi to a couple of people, so I wasn’t completely anti-social.
STEP 3: REALIZE: THIS IS NOT EASY: Next I went to Tot Lot in Waukee. It was a very cold day so I wasn’t sure how many people would be there. This was a great place for the kids to play. Lots of mats, huge blocks and other toys for the kids to play with. Since it was a new place I was kept pretty busy with my kids — they wanted me to stay close to them as they played. It seemed like many of the other moms come there often and already knew each other. I had a brief conversation with a mom whose child was playing with the same toys as my kids. I also met a woman named Missy Powers and I asked her if she would share her experiences of making mom friends with me. She lives in rural Iowa and tries to find places for her daughter to use up her energy during the winter.
She thinks making new mom friends is hard and different from other times in life.
“Going from college, where you find the groups of people who have your interests and sense of humor, to the work place, where you find your work buddies who can commiserate over happy hour is vastly different then making friends with a person just because they also have offspring.”
In February, I went to a meet-up event with the Des Moines Stay At Home Moms group I joined. It was at Central Library in downtown Des Moines. It was a story time with Clifford and Dan Wardell from Iowa Public Television. It was a very fun event but because of the large number of people there it wasn’t possible to pick out other members of the meet up group.
What did I learn? It’s hard. It’s hard to make mom friends. And it can be hard to find the time to form and keep new friendships (let alone old friendships) in this busy, busy world no matter if you are a working mom, a stay-at-home mom or a work-from-home mom. But it is important to do, even if it means breaking out of your comfort zone on occasion.
“We all need to realize that the old adage is true that 'when mom's not happy, no one's happy' and that women need to start taking care of themselves. I see it as a societal problem that has implications for the whole family,” Stewart said.
There were definitely some positives to this experiment. While writing this story, I started talking to another mom from my son’s preschool class and we have since exchanged numbers and advice. I also have taken my kids to activities not previously on my radar. So yes, it’s hard, but it has been worth the effort and I’m glad I challenged myself to try some new things.
If you are a mom looking to make new mom friends, you can start by reaching out to other moms or caregivers when you are out at events. Join a meet-up group or start your own group. I have made a majority of my mom friends through programs at my local library. Stewart’s experience is that once you find someone you would like to be friends with, “moms first exchange phone numbers, then make friends on Facebook or have coffee or lunch. It is so vitally important to reach out, though. These other moms very likely have the same feelings as you do. It is not unlike dating actually.”
Looking for places to go?
Look for programs at your local library — many offer story times and other family events. On cold days, head to the mall and let the kids run at the play area and chat it up with the other adults. Here are some other options to consider.
Valley Community Center
4444 Fuller Road, West Des Moines
Cafe and Play Area open Monday-Friday, 9 a.m.-1 p.m.
Waukee Tot Lot
Waukee Public Works Building
805 University Avenue, Waukee
Mondays 8:30-10:30 a.m.; Wednesdays 8-10 a.m., through March 30
Mothers and Others
Urbandale Public Library
3520 86th Street, Urbandale
Mondays and Tuesdays 10:30-11:30 a.m., fall through spring
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Heather Torpy: "I am a mom of two kids and I am lucky enough to work from home as a freelance writer and Vice President of the Bill Riley Talent Search. Reading and cooking are two of my passions. You can find my recipes, party planning ideas and the occasional craft project on my blog, everydayeatsandtreats.blogspot.com."